Oi! Mister! Madam! You are tourist? Come, I tell you best things to do in Malta, ħallik from your Trips Advisers. Issa I give you to my friend who speak the good English. Listen to him, and pay him eh!
1. Crane spotting
The first thing you’ll probably notice when you land in Malta is the huge number of tower cranes dotting the skyline in every direction. This is because Malta still hasn’t been finished yet. We haven’t been given a precise completion date, but we’ve been reassured it’ll be some time in the next millenium.
If you’re adventurous, you could climb a tower crane to enjoy uninterrupted panoramic views of ugly buildings, never-ending roadworks (more on this later), and other tower cranes.
On your way out of the airport, make sure to grab a free tower-crane logbook. If you spot 100 cranes, you’ll get a free bottle of traditional prickly pear liquor that every Maltese person drinks regularly.
2. Tour of artisanal illegal concrete factory
Something else you’ll see regularly while travelling around Malta is concrete. Concrete buildings, concrete gardens, concrete monuments… we can’t get enough of the stuff.
To find out how it’s made, head to the sister island of Gozo, where you can take a tour of an authentic artisanal illegal concrete factory.
But how is it still operating if it’s illegal? Don’t ask questions please – it’s actually very offensive in Maltese culture.
Where were we? Ah yes – get to know what goes into making this wonderfully versatile building material. You’ll even have the opportunity to make your own concrete souvenir to take home with you.
The price of the tour also includes a Ħamrun Spartans shirt.
3. Politician safari
Malta has the highest per-capita number of politicians in the world – around one in every four inhabitants is a member of parliament.
This means that, unlike most other countries, it’s quite easy to meet a politician. Just head to the capital of Valletta and stand around the parliament building, or near an expensive restaurant. You’ll inevitably come across a specimen, recognisable by its expensive-yet-ill-fitting suit and the vacant stare in its eyes.
A word of warning: keep your distance. Politicians are known to suck the blood from their victims, and if you get too close, they’ll start sending leaflets to your home and never stop.
4. Watch a street brawl
We Maltese aren’t known for our calm temperament at the best of times, but the summer heat really brings out our anger management issues. This makes the months between June and September an ideal time to watch a street brawl. If you’re from a more sedate corner of the world, you definitely won’t want to miss out.
Much like with a whale-watching cruise, we can’t guarantee you’ll get lucky and witness a fight. But if you do, it’ll be an unforgettable experience. To maximise your chances, rent an AirBnB overlooking a busy narrow road. We also recommend hiring a local to translate what’s being said – expect mentions of family members, religious figures and genitalia. And don’t forget to film it and send the video to Lovin Malta, so us locals can enjoy it too.
5. Roadworks maze
In its infinite wisdom, our roads agency, Infrastructure Malta, has decided to carry out several major roadworks across the country at the same time.
Instead of getting frustrated and succumbing to road rage (leave that to the locals), we recommend treating our roads like a giant maze, where you try to drive your hire car to your destination while encountering the fewest diversions possible, not all of which are sign-posted. On the plus side, if you get lost, there will probably be a few more tower cranes you can put in your logbook. Good luck.
Finished? Mela get in the taxi, isa. How much? Issa we agree on price when we arrive. GET IN THE FAKIN TAXI ALMADONNA.
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