So you’re turning 21 and want to throw a massive party. There’s just one problem – nobody is allowed to party because of this lame pandemic. But you aren’t nobody. You’re a rich kid, possibly the daughter of a Labour-supporting owner of a car rental company in Burmarrad. Measures put in place to prevent the spread of a disease aren’t going to stop you from throwing the best party ever. Here’s how to do it…
Hold it in a villa
Peasants hold their illegal parties in caves and abandoned buildings. But that sounds dirty and dangerous, so use daddy’s villa instead.
But won’t the neighbours report it? Probably not – they know if they don’t report your birthday party today, you won’t report their orgy tomorrow. Rich people stick together like that.
Invite influencers
Your friends are probably dull, so improve the quality of your guest list with some influencers. These hot young things are known for their intelligence and will definitely not behave in a way that attracts unwanted attention.
Let off fireworks
What better way to show you’re better than everyone else than by letting off some fireworks? If you were a regular person, this would literally be the dumbest idea ever, but you have a rich daddy – possibly the Labour-supporting owner of a car rental company in Burmarrad – who can make a few calls to make sure the police turn a blind eye and focus on fining people coming out of the sea without masks on instead.
Take videos
You’ll want to remember that time you spat in the face of struggling healthcare workers, so make sure you and your guests take plenty of videos. It’s not like anyone will be dumb enough to put them on TikTok.
Pre-write your apology
In the unlikely event that one of your guests is dumb enough to share a video on social media, you can bet your daddy’s yacht the rest of the country will lose its collective shit. Don’t mind them – they’re just jealous of you.
If you want to save time, write your apology before the party even takes place. Make sure to include lines like ‘I regret it’, ‘I will never do it again’ and ‘Please respect me’. You should also claim that the videos of you partying during a pandemic were taken out of context, even though the context was a party held during a pandemic.
Yes, we know you’ll definitely do it again, but the plebs like it when you show contrition.
Happy partying!
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