During the government’s launch of its economic vision for the next decade, Prime Minister Robert Abela said Malta had the potential to be the best in the world. Not the Mediterranean region, not Europe – the entire world. Some argued he wasn’t being realistic, so we put together a list of five things we could be the absolute best at if we tried a little harder.
Xenophobia
At this point, the phrase ‘Go back to your country’ may as well replace ‘Min ħexa mexa’ as the country’s national motto. When we aren’t being racist towards African immigrants, we’re getting our panties in a twist over foreigners who dare to complain about the country’s shortcomings. Malta truly excels at hating outsiders, never mind that our economy depends on foreign workers.
Cocaine consumption
Whether it’s a bachelor’s or a baptism, a festa or a funeral, graduation or grandma’s birthday, no social occasion in Malta is considered too inappropriate for cocaine.
But for us to be the best in the world at snorting the Devil’s dandruff, we’re going to have to start diverting all those seized shipments hidden in banana crates to the local market…assuming we don’t already do that. Yeah we definitely already do that.
Noisiness
Clanging church bells, dogs barking on rooftops, the gas van, people yelling in the street, fireworks, car horns, carcades, cars revving, excavators, jackhammers… Malta probably has the highest decibel count per square kilometre in the world.
Mafia stuff
You’re probably thinking – “How could we possibly compete with our pasta-loving neighbours to the north when it comes to organised crime?” And while it’s true that Malta doesn’t have a Camorra or ‘Ndrangheta, we do have about five wealthy families that control Malta through their sock puppets in parliament. If one of those families put their minds to it, they could establish themselves as a global crime syndicate. Just because the Yorgen Fenech and Joseph Muscat tag team failed, doesn’t mean others shouldn’t have a go.
But then again, following the arrest of the Maksar brothers, Robert Abela had said organised crime doesn’t exist in Malta anymore, so what do we know?
Having an inflated sense of self-worth
Sure, no one beats the US and UK when it comes to exceptionalism. But considering how small Malta is, we sure do regard ourselves highly. And why not? Despite what Eurovision audiences say every year, we are the best. In fact, Robert Abela wasn’t being ambitious enough when he said we could be the best in the world. We have the potential to be the best in the universe. If we pull our socks up, we can explore space and create a galactic Maltese empire that brings peace, prosperity and pastizzi to the entire cosmos.
But speaking of pastizzi, it’s lunch time and we’re hungry.
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