Every single place in Malta will be ruined by shit music played at ear-splitting volumes by 2022, according to a new study.
Currently, 41 percent of places in Malta have been ruined by terrible loud music. But according to Professor Imona Jetski from the American University of Malta, who conducted the study, this number will rise dramatically in the coming years.
“In three years’ time, the sound of shit music will be heard from Kalanka Bay to Wied il-Għasri and everywhere in between.
Prof Jetski added that the shit loud music phenomenon is most prevalent in summer, “when inconsiderate wankers barbecuing on beaches across the island blast out their God awful songs despite the fact no one else wants to hear them.”
“Wealthy inconsiderate wankers often do this from on board their yachts, startling marine life for miles around.” she said.
Prof. Jetski noted that, despite extensive research, she and her team were unable to verify why the songs played at absurdly loud volumes were always shit.
“We couldn’t figure out why you never hear anyone blasting out Beethoven, or Tame Impala, or Rammstein, or Kendrick Lemar. It’s always EDM or reggaeton or the most commercial, lowest-common-denominator pop.
“On the other hand, we’re pretty sure of our theory that Maltese people go insane if they’re exposed to high levels of peace and quiet.”
Places further inland have not been spared from the spread of shit loud music.
“In previous years urban shit loud music was limited to Paceville and a couple of other places. Now even Valletta is being subjected to horrible songs played at horrible bars frequented by horrible people – if you can call lawyers people, that is – and by 2022 we predict the bastions of Imdina will be reverberating with the sound of euro techno.
“Our research also found that people on the bus who play music without headphones should die in a fire,” Prof Jetski concluded.
