An irate God has asked Maltese churchgoers where they have been for the past three months.
Hundreds of churches across the country reopened yesterday, after being closed at the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic in March.
“Oh you’re back, are you? Where the fuck have you been?” God yelled from the sky as several Sunday masses began this morning.
“Actually I’m omniscient, so I know exactly where the fuck you’ve been. At home, instead of worshipping me,” He asked, to which several shocked parishioners meekly replied that it was because of the coronavirus.
“Oh wow. So the moment a little plague comes around, you all just hide in your homes? So much for having cast-iron faith, eh? How do you know I wouldn’t have protected you all? I created this thing to test you. And you’ve all failed, fucking miserably.”
One or two churchgoers added that they had been watching mass online.
“Don’t give me that horseshit. I know most of you stopped watching after two weeks and switched to Pornhub instead. And besides, I never said that online mass actually counted. That would be stupid. For one thing, you haven’t been eating the flesh and drinking the blood of my son, which is really important for…reasons,” God replied.
Another parishioner pointed out that even Muslims had stopped going to pray.
“Did they now? What is this, primary school? No, not primary school. Maltese politics.
“Anyway, you’re all going to have to spend the next year in confession, otherwise 2021 is going to make 2020 look like a walk in the park. The rape-jellyfish are on standby, just so you know.”
The Almighty also reacted to Prime Minister Robert Abela’s declaration this morning that Malta’s public health emergency had ended.
“It ain’t over till I say it’s over, bitch.”
