The government this evening announced a raft of new measures aimed at easing restrictions previously put in place due to the Covid-19 pandemic
There are quite a few measures and provisions, which were listed by Health Minister Chris Fearne after a 10-hour-long speech by Prime Minister Robert Abela, so we’ve summarised them for you below:
- Restaurants can open again, but patrons will have to wear a face mask at all times. A narrow slit may be cut into the mask to slurp spaghetti through.
- Hairdressers will be allowed to open, but the only cuts allowed are the mullet for men and platinum-blonde perm for women, to ensure minimum intimacy between the sexes.
- Beauticians and nail salons may also open, provided the fake nails are two metres long.
- Open-air cinemas will be permitted, but they will only show reruns of Dejjem Tiegħek Becky.
- Swimming pools may open, but any swimming sessions must always be attended by Robert Abela wearing bright yellow Speedoes.
- Funeral masses may be held, but the body of the deceased must be fired out of a cannon into the sea. Furthermore, Holy Communion may be administered, but priests must throw the holy host into worshippers’ mouths like a frisbee.
- Several non-contact sports can start being practised again, with some provisions, including: tennis (players must be separated by a 10-metre-high perspex barrier instead of a net); golf (no chatting about business deals and land-grabs allowed, which accounts for 95% of time spent golfing); athletics (athletes must train in Zorb balls); and diving (to a maximum depth of two metres in case of respiratory problems).
- Gatherings of up to six people are now permitted, but only with people you dislike and wouldn’t mind infecting.
- Above all, no fear is to be allowed. Any display or utterance of fear will be punishable by death. Do not be afraid.
