Bis-Serjetà – Malta’s most serious news website – has launched a bid to buy The Malta Independent – Malta’s most unnecessary media house.
Karl Stennienibarra, god-editor of Bis-Serjetà, announced that the website had managed to raise enough funds to match the value of The Independent – estimated to be around €53 and a packet of Twistees – thanks to recent crowdfunding efforts on Patreon and Paypal.
“We were going to take our time with the bid and raise enough money to afford the salaries of the paper’s staff, but today’s news that Yorgen Fenech and Silvio Debono were mulling a joint bid for The Independent a few years ago has forced our hand. Even though it’s a completely pointless newspaper, we wouldn’t want it to fall into the hands of criminals and unscrupulous developers who would just use it to pedal fake news.”
Stennienibarra said he was undecided what to do with The Independent if the bid was successful.
“The first thing we’d do is bring in our friends from Panda – who recently gave our website a new look – to redesign the site so it doesn’t give people anxiety when they visit the homepage. Not that anyone visits it at the moment, mind you.
“But aside form that, we’re considering two options: The first is turning the website into a prison for all those news stories that escaped from our site and made it onto other websites, as our current holding cell is proving to be too small.
“Or we could turn it into a permanent shrine to Doris Borg, the 100-year-old prostitute who we interviewed in 2012, causing us to go viral. On the internet, that is. Sadly, Doris died last year while mid-coitus with a now-former government minister, and her embalmed corpse is now on permanent display at the Amsterdam Sex Museum. But we think she also deserves to be immortalised online.”
The god-editor encouraged more people to support Bis-Serjetà financially so that they could buy even more websites.
“If each one of our 21,300 Facebook fans gave us €2.99 a month, we’d soon have enough money to buy every other media house in Malta. Just think, with your help we can stop Lovin Malta from writing any more articles about Sarah Zerafa and Pete Buttigieg, bring The Times into the 21st century and teach Saviour Balzan how to write coherently. That’s what’s at stake here.”
