Professor Charmaine Gauci has ordered a nuclear strike on Gozo, after hundreds of people from Malta crossed over to the sister island earlier today for New Year’s Eve celebrations.
“After the tombla clusterfuck, I really could’ve done without seeing photos of a procession of cars queueing to get on the ferry,” the Superintendent For Public Health told Bis-Serjetà.
“Seriously, I’m fucking fed up. So fed up, in fact, that I’ve used my emergency powers for the very first time to order a tactical nuclear strike on Gozo – mainly as a pre-emptive measure to stop Covid-19 from spiralling out of control when all these fuckwits come back from their farmhouses, but also because I never liked the place anyway. If I wanted to find out what Malta was like 200 years ago, I’d watch a documentary. And their so-called pizza is shit too.”
Upon being informed that Malta does not in fact have nuclear weapons, Prof. Gauci ordered the Gozo ferries to be torpedoed.
“No torpedoes either? Fucking hell. Fine – I’ll stand at the Ċirkewwa terminal and push everyone into the sea.”
