Malta’s Covid-19 cases are a punishment for the existence of the Evangelical Christian group River Of Love, God has confirmed.
With the number of new cases slowly rising, many local Catholics are wondering why their prayers for the virus not to arrive in Malta have gone unanswered.
“I was actually thinking about sparing Malta from the pandemic. It would have been fairly easy – just encircle the island with a protective aura, add a couple of lines of code, and Bob’s your uncle. It would have taken half a day, tops,” God said.
“But then the other week I was watching the Xarabank episode about the devil – who doesn’t exist, by the way – with ballerina Manché and that screeching banshee Phyllisienne Brincat on the panel. Jesus Christ, why do you carry on giving these nutters a platform?”
Asked why he disliked River Of Love so much, God replied:
“Firstly I can’t stand all that American bullshit. But mainly because of their attitude towards gay people. They go around saying that being gay is bad. Erm…hello? I invented gay people. Are they saying I screwed up? Because if they’re as familiar with the Old Testament as they claim to be, they know what I used to do to people who question my ways.
“Man, I was not in a good place at the time. Thank Me I mellowed out a bit in the New Testament. That one-night stand with Norse goddess Freya really helped.”
The Almighty said the last straw came when he read a post on Facebook this week by Matthew Grech, another prominent River Of Love devotee.
“Matthew *cough* definitely gay I know because I’m omniscient *cough* Grech wrote that the best way to prevent the Coronavirus is not by washing hands, but by accepting Me into your life. Is this douche nozzle for real?
“So yeah, sorry Malta. Nothing personal. Next time don’t keep inviting these pricks on TV.”
