The dying words of Karl Stennienibarra
Everyone in Malta is either dead or dying from over-eating this evening, after the entire population attempted to break the national record for number of chicken nuggets eaten in less than 20 minutes.
The previously unheard-of record was first broken yesterday, when a group of seven men from Mgarr wolfed down a total of 211 nuggets between them.
Seven writers from satirical news website Lovin Malta broke the record again this afternoon. This caused a chain reaction, as groups of copy cats each attempted to outdo each other.
In the following hours, more and more people stopped whatever they were doing to engage in feats of nuggety one-upmanship, until the entire country was involved.
By late afternoon, the streets resembled a scene from a horror film, as thousands of people with ruptured stomachs lay dying in pools of blood and barbecue sauce.
Paramedics were nowhere to be seen, as they too had attempted to break the record.
“After speeding through the first 10 nuggets or so, I thought, ‘This is piss easy.’ After 20 I hit a psychological wall but persevered. At 30, I had to try really hard to suppress my gag reflex. After 50, I realised just how foolish I’d been,” coughed Martin Borg before expiring.
“If only I didn’t feel the need to copy everything I see on the internet like some stupid toddler,” said Anthea Schembri, 32, from Zabbar, before she too shuffled off her mortal coil.
“Did we win?” sputtered 25-year-old Michael Zahra, who was slumped against the wall outside McDonald’s in Valletta.
The Nuggetgeddon has claimed even the most voracious of Maltese appetites.
As the world started to fade before the eyes of this journalist, the only person still left visibly alive was Glenn Bedingfield.
The MP has so far eaten 4,387 nuggets, but after falling on his knees like Wun Wun the giant at the end of the Battle of the Bastards, he now appears to be slowing down.
I feel cold now. So cold.
