A winner-takes-all gladiatorial contest will determine whether bird hunters or fireworks enthusiasts get to keep their hobby amid the Covid-19 pandemic.
While the church announced last week that village feasts would be limited to small processions, and a decision is yet to be made on whether to open the spring hunting season, the government has now intervened to “make this interesting.”
The initiative was announced during a joint press conference by Heritage Minister Jose Herrera and Gozo Minister Clint Camilleri, who for some reason is also responsible for hunting.
“OK, so Clint and I got absolutely wasted on wine last night during a Skype call,” a visibly hungover Jose Herrera said.
“We agreed it isn’t fair that both festas and hunting get cancelled. I mean, the world may be falling apart but that shouldn’t come between a man and his hobby that makes things go boom, be it guns or fireworks.
“So to make things interesting, we’re doing a ‘capture the flag’ type thing you see in video games…excuse me a second,” he added before leaving the podium to vomit into a nearby plant pot.
Camilleri explained that a mandatory lockdown would be imposed on Gozo. While everyone is out of harm’s way, the two factions will start at opposite ends of the island, with the aim of making their way to the Cittadella in Victoria and grabbing a red flag planted atop the walled town’s bastions and returning it to their base.
“As Jose said, it’s a best-out-three capture the flag. The victor gets to carry on practising their hobby while most of the country has to make sacrifices and stay indoors. Pretty straight forward. At first we thought of doing it using paintball guns but then realised ‘Hey, these guys have live ammunition!’ so when we say we’re making it interesting, we meant it.”
“It’ll be fun because the two teams will have different tactics. Hunters have camouflage and shooting skills, whereas the festa enthusiasts have a ton of explosives, and they can use statues of the Madonna as shields. I’m looking forward to seeing what they can improvise,” a returning Herrera said.
The contest will take place this Wednesday and will be live-streamed on TVM.
“Hopefully watching a bunch of men try to kill each other in defence of their precious ‘delizzju’ will make everyone feel better,” Camilleri said, before passing out.
