The unseasonal downpours and strong winds that hit Malta over the past two days were planned by God to coincide with this week’s Malta Jazz Festival, it has emerged.
“I can confirm that even God hates jazz, so he sent a storm to ruin the Malta Jazz Festival,” a spokesangel for God told the media.
Asked why the Almighty hated jazz so much, the spokesangel initially refused to elaborate, saying that God hated it because He hated it and He didn’t have to give a reason, before finally conceding:
“It makes Him feel nervous and uncomfortable, OK? And He considers the genre to be overly complicated musical masturbation that no one actually likes but that some people pretend to listen to in a pathetic attempt to seem refined.”
The spokesangel emphasised that if there was one thing that God hated more than murderers, thieves and rapists, it was jazz enthusiasts.
“He even tried to tell some humans in rural America a few years ago, but they misheard him and thought he said ‘fags’. Morons,” the divine being said.
She also admitted that, after listening to ”Round Midnight’ by Thelonius Monk, which He obtained from the future, God created the platypus.
“And I think we can all agree that no one wants more messed up animals like that,” she added.
Asked to confirm God’s favourite music genre, the spokesangel said:
“Reggaeton. Dios ama mucho al reggaeton and He doesn’t care who knows it. Let he who judges God vete a la mierda, cabrón.”
When requested to give a weather forecast for next week’s Farson’s Beer Festival, the spokesangel said God would provide favourable weather once again.
“Well, except when Tribali are playing,” she said.
