The government has handed control of all efforts related to the Covid-19 pandemic to members of the popular Facebook group The Salott.
During a press conference this afternoon, Health Minister Chris Fearne announced that, from now on, all decisions related to the pandemic will be taken by the group’s 57,000 members.
“As of today, the Superintendence of Public Health will no longer be responsible for updating the public and implementing strategies to contain the virus. Nor will the doctors and nurses at Mater Dei continue to treat patients suffering from Covid-19,” Fearne said.
“Instead, all of these activities will be undertaken by the wise and all-knowing members of The Salott, since they clearly know more about the virus than any authority. I wish them the best of luck,” he added.
Following the transfer of powers, members of The Salott immediately enacted the following measures:
- Information on Covid-19 may only be communicated via unsourced memes shared by middle-aged housewives, and must start with the word ‘apparently’
- Treatment will consist of a combination of aromatherapy and prayer
- In case supplies of food and medicine run short, priority will be given to mothers għax bit-tfal ħi.
- All travel abroad to be banned forever. Special dispensation will be given for trips to Primark
- All foreign nationals currently in Malta will be placed in an internment camp on Filfla
- Anyone rumoured to have broken quarantine will be crucified in town squares. A blurry, undated photo of the suspect outside will be considered sufficient enough evidence to execute.
- Lidl and all pharmacies to be open 24/7, 365, so one has to ask ever again
Meanwhile, William Hawk – the man behind the group ‘CoronaVirus Malta EU – Updates (William Hawk)’, is currently laying siege to Mdina in an attempt to claim it and establish The Plague-Free State of Williamstown (William Hawk).
“I have successfully damaged one brick in the outer wall, so by my calculations, 98% of the wall has been destroyed,” he said.
