Remember when you used Facebook to stalk your crush and do quizzes to find out what colour your aura was? Those were the days.
But slowly, older people began infiltrating our Garden of Eden, poisoning our paradise with motivational images of Minions and filling comments sections with their stupid opinions, outdated beliefs and disdain for any form of change.
Arguing with an old person on Facebook can be frustrating. That’s why we’ve laid out a few simple tips and tricks to make it easier on yourself.
Spotting an old person
Spotting an old Maltese person on Facebook is relatively easy. Here are some obvious giveaways:
- Their profile picture is a close-up, poorly lit selfie of their frowning face taken at a weird angle
- They went to the School of Hard Knocks and the University of Life
- Their spelling in English is atrocious and even worse in Maltese, despite the fact they see themselves as patriots
- They reply to you with five separate comments
- THEY WRITE IN ALL CAPS WITH EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!
Once you’ve identified the old person you want to argue with, you need to keep these factors in mind before you start:
Language
As anyone who reads the comments under Times of Malta articles knows, many old Maltese people aren’t aware that language has changed a little bit since their heyday during colonial times. This means you’ll often see them use words like ‘poppycock’ and ‘balderdash’, not realising that doing so makes them sound like a character from a British period drama.
Old people also make a habit of using proverbs, such as ‘What’s good for the goose is good for the gander’ and ‘Tell it to the marines!’. For anyone reading who’s under the age of 20, proverbs were sort of like gifs or memes. Dropping one into a conversation made you look wise or funny, but doing so repeatedly made you come across as an annoying tit.
Get around this communication barrier by inventing your own proverbs. Some suggestions are:
- Beggars can’t be influencers
- Too many cocks spoil the dick pic
- Two AirPods are better than one
- Alla jagħlaq bieb u jiftaħ tech start-up
- Meta l-ikel ikun lest, arah ġej lil Kanye West
As we all know, old people never admit they’re wrong or that they don’t know something, so they’ll agree with whatever you’re saying just to save face.
Logic (or lack thereof)
Presumably because their brains have turned to mush with age, old people’s logic tends to be circular and nonsensical. Here’s a common example:
Old person: CANNABIS SHOULDN’T BE LEGALISED BECAUSE IT’S ILLEGAL!!!
You: But cigarettes and alcohol are legal and they cause plenty of damage.
Old person: WELL, THEY’RE LEGAL!!!
You: For fuck’s sake.
Luckily, there’s a very simple solution to this problem. Old Maltese people tend to be religious, not to mention fanatically loyal to their political party. You can use both of these facts to your advantage. So a revised version of the above conversation might go like this:
Old person: CANNABIS SHOULDN’T BE LEGALISED BECAUSE IT’S ILLEGAL!!!
You: But the government is in favour of decriminalisation. I can see from your photo with Joseph Muscat that you’re a Labour supporter, so do you think he’s wrong?
Old person: JOSEPH IS MY KING BUT EVEN HE CAN MISTAKES!!!
You: OK, but did you know that certain Bible verses speak favourably about marijuana, and that there’s historical evidence that it was used in religious rituals? I can see from your cover photo of a Madonna statue that you’re also a devout Christian. So are you saying you don’t agree with God?
Old Person: GANJA FOR EVERYONE!!!
Actually, you know what?
just say ‘OK boomer’. It’s a lot quicker, easier and will save you from slamming your head against your desk in frustration.
Besides, they’ll be dead soon anyway.
