Strip clubs are some of the most depressing places on earth. None more so than the ones in Paceville – a town that, should God decide to wipe out another place like he did with Sodom and Gomorrah, would be the number one candidate for annihilation. And very few people would complain.
Having said that, many men still choose to visit strip clubs for a variety of reasons, such as birthdays, bachelor parties, and 15th wedding anniversaries.
If you really must venture into one of these neon hell pits, be aware that the dancers will be trying to suck as much money out of you as possible. Who would’ve thought?
If you don’t want your bank account to be emptied, keep the following tips in mind:
Be friendly
When a dancer sidles up to you at the bar and asks you to buy her a drink, tell her you will, but only in exchange for her life story. Ask her her where’s she from, and whether the socio-political situation in her home country forced her to move to Malta and embark on a life of lasciviousness. Finally, ask her if the pursuit of happiness is a worthwhile goal.
Hopefully, she’ll go and find a married Maltese CEO who doesn’t know what ‘lasciviousness’ means and just wants her butt in his face.
Make a request
Unfortunately for you, Anastasia happens to be the talkative type, and proceeds to tell you all about her life growing up in the countryside of Luhansk in eastern Ukraine, before she fled the separatists and came to Malta to earn money for her sick mother. Awkward.
You’re now forced to buy her that over-priced drink, and she leads you to the booth where your other friends are.
But before she can start twerking, you tell her that you’re only turned on by women who pole-dance to Maltese folk songs, so could the club please turn off Cardi B and put on L-Aħħar Bidwi F’Wied Il-Għasel instead? The bouncers should throw you out in no time.
Play games
Bad luck again – the DJ happens to be the grandson of Sammy Bartolo and is more than happy to play his nannu’s most famous song. Anastasia proceeds to perform the saddest pole routine in history.
Several drinks in, she suggests you go to a back room for a private dance. Your credit card is now in mortal danger, but you have another trick (almost literally) up your sleeve. As she sits you down and starts to grind your crotch, you whip out the ‘Magic: The Gathering’ cards you’ve been carrying in your jacket pocket and ask her if she wants to play. She’ll surely send you packing now.
The nuclear option
Would you believe it? Back in Ukraine, Anastasia used to play a Chinese knock-off version of the game called ‘Sorcery: The Meeting’. She proceeds to whoop your ass and pour more booze down your throat.
We’ve now come to the last resort, the nuclear option. It’s time to make like a squid escaping a predator.
It’s time to shit your pants.
Shitting your pants is by far the best way to get out of any undesirable situation. You could be held hostage by ISIS, but even they would release you immediately if you deliberately shat yourself. It’s like a suicide vest without the self-dismemberment.
You’re probably thinking that shitting yourself is undignified and humiliating. But you lost your dignity the moment you decided to go to Paceville and then step into a strip club, so a couple of skid marks aren’t going to make much of a difference. So relax, loosen your bowels and let rip. The fact that you’re somewhat wasted by now should make things easier.
True, once they kick you out of the club you’ll have to walk home, because no taxi driver in his right mind is going to let you into his car. But at least you won’t be down a few thousand euros.
Spin a yarn
If you can’t bring yourself to soil your pants and end up with all your credit cards maxed out, no problem. Get in touch with us and we’ll happily recount your tall tale of getting drugged and mistreated. You never know, your wife might not file for divorce.
