Karl Stennienibarra
The glowing image of Jesus that appeared in the sky above Italy earlier today told Malta that it should legalise abortion.
Bathed in sunlight and speaking in a voice that managed to be both booming and gentle, the radiant likeness of Christ said:
“Listen, Maltese followers, I know you think I’m completely against abortion, but guess what, I’m not.
“For starters, I would never approve of forcing a woman to do something she didn’t want to.
“And when you think about it, isn’t it more cruel to bring a child into the world when its mother is unable or unwilling to care for it?
“Also please stop calling women who get an abortion murderers, OK? It’s not like they’re doing it for the lolz. They’re going through a tough time already and don’t need to be shamed as well.
“Frankly, what I find more concerning is that you think you know better than almost every other country in the world. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, may I remind you.
“Anyway, you can either listen to me, or some idiots with a carnival float. Up to you.”
After Christ had finished his speech, an onlooker yelled out to the Son of God that he was in fact appearing over Italy, where abortion has been legal for over 40 years.
“Oh shit, my bad,” the image of Jesus said before turning around and heading south.
