God has reminded his followers he has killed thousands of children, saying he didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.
God spoke to Bis-Serjetà following Sunday’s protest in Valletta against a legal amendment that ensures women whose life is at risk can access abortion without the risk of prosecution.
“If you want to stop abortion, I’m really not the deity you should be invoking,” God said.
“You people have read the Bible, right? So you’ve seen I’m no slouch when it comes to mass infanticide. And I don’t mean clumps of flesh the size of golf balls either – I mean actual fully grown children. I straight-up murdered thousands of Egyptian kids with a snap of my omnipotent fingers,” He said, referring to the passage in Exodus 11-29.
“In hindsight, killing the firstborn children of animals was a bit over the top. But in my defence, I’d been dating Athena and she left me for Anubis, so I wanted to get back at the jackal-headed cunt.”
God noted that was not the only time he had resorted to killing children.
“There were also episodes like the destruction of Amalek, when I ordered humans to kill everyone, including children, because I was feeling too lazy to do it myself.
“I mean it’s not that much of a big deal. There are like seven billion of you. Eight billion now? Jesus. No, son, I was just expressing shock,” he said.
“I have mellowed out a lot more since the old times, though. Nowadays I appreciate the fact I gave people free will, so it doesn’t make sense for me to get angry and murder all the people who use it. Therapy and meditation, folks – they really do work.”
God suggested alternative deities for anti-choice people to turn to.
“You’re better off invoking Satan, to be honest. Unlike me, he’s killed zero children. He does enjoy having sex with them though, so pick your poison. Us gods are just shitty,” He said.
