Earlier this week, the government announced it had put together a team of experts who were tasked with coming up with ways to salvage Malta’s economy in the aftermath of Covid-19.
This team didn’t just include current Prime Minister Robert Abela, but also ex-PM Joseph Muscat, who was forced to resign five months ago.
While many wondered what Muscat’s advice would be, Bis-Serjetà can now reveal a leaked report containing Muscat’s suggestions for reviving the economy.
The report is entitled ‘Ħallina Nagħmlu Lira: Six Ideas For Economic Recovery’. Below is the executive summary of the report written by Muscat, in which he briefly explains his main proposals.
Arms dealing
With the world economy completely screwed, countries at each other’s throats over Covid-19, and climate change looming over the horizon, there will definitely be more civil disorder and armed conflicts in the near future.
Malta could take advantage of all this discord by becoming a hub (we haven’t used the word ‘hub’ in a while) for arms dealing. We’ve already got a Maltese guy supplying the Libyan civil war with weapons, so why not extend our reach to other current and future conflict zones?
Hub. Such a great word.
Organ harvesting
This one is big in China. They mainly harvest the organs of executed political prisoners, so obviously we can’t do that. But I’ve done a bit of research and it turns out there are lots of organs you can live without: kidneys being the most well-known, but also the spleen, colon, and even the stomach.
Think about it – if Charmaine Gauci told everyone they needed to hand over a kidney, do you think they’d say no?
We could also finally find a good use for all those migrants. Just throwing that out there…
More power stations
During the Great Depression, America built the Hoover Dam, which provided jobs for hundreds of people. I’m thinking we could do something similar, but instead of a dam, we could build like 10 power stations. I know some people in Azerbaijan who’d be more than happy to provide the gas for them. Want me to have a word?
Blockchain Island 2
I know what you’re thinking – we’ve tried this one already. But I feel like if we gave Blockchain Island one more go, it would definitely work this time. I think the main mistake we made the first time is that we didn’t organise enough summits attended by immoral douchebags.
Look, I just really like Blockchain, OK?
Joseph Muscat theme park
Obviously, the tourism sector is taking a particularly bad beating from all of this. Now more than ever, Malta needs to stand out with a really unique selling point. And what would be more unique than the world’s first theme park dedicated to a former prime minister?
Muscatland would have loads of fun rides. The main attraction would be The Political Crisis rollercoaster. It would have more twists and turns than any other rollercoaster in the world. And when the cars get to the top, the power goes out.
For people who aren’t adrenaline junkies, there will also be the Michelle Muscat Tunnel of Love, and the Habiba Perla petting zoo for kids.
Tickets for Muscatland can only be purchased with, you guessed it, cryptocurrency.
Colony on Mars
The problem with Malta is that it’s too small to have a truly powerful economy like Germany’s. Just think what a better position we’d be in if we could win the race to Mars and established a colony there. I’m pretty sure that, if all Malta’s developers came together, we could build a road between Malta and the Red Planet in no time.
All we need to do is get Facebook to introduce an emoji for ‘Mars’ for Ian Borg, and we can get started ASAP.
