Men in Malta have started mentally preparing for the ordeal of being dragged along to next summer’s Ed Sheeran concert by their partners.
Tickets to the concert in June – part of the British pop star’s Mathematics tour – went on sale on Friday.
“I know the gig is almost a year away, but I’m starting mindfulness exercises from now in the hope I’ll be able to train myself to mentally block out his shite music,” said Edward Debono, 29, from Birkirkara.
“I had the idea to innoculate myself against the unpleasantness of the concert by listening to a bunch of his songs, like how homoeopathy is supposed to work, but now I feel I’ve done irreparable damage to my brain, much like believing in homoeopathy,” said Luke Vella 35, from Naxxar.
“I’d do anything for my girlfriend, but this is the greatest sacrifice I’ll ever make for her. I’d rather jump in front of a speeding bus than go to this concert, but she hasn’t asked me to do the former yet, so here we are,” said Nicholas Zammit, 32, from Dingli.
“I don’t like Lewis Capaldi’s music either, but at least his concert was free and he seems like a funny guy. Bring back Capaldi,” said Adrian Fenech, 25, from Qawra.
“I bought tickets for both of us for her birthday. Maybe I can spend another €500 on paying someone to break his arm,” said Marco Zammit, 28, from Swatar.
“Do you think my wife will notice if I wear earplugs, or cut my ears off?” said Dylan Tabone, 36, from Zejtun,”
“I don’t even understand the appeal. He looks like a tattooed scarecrow that plays bland, sickly sweet supermarket-radio-station pop. Whenever she makes me listen to his songs, I want to puke my guts out, and also the membrane and connective tissue that hold my guts in place, and basically every fibre of my being, as well as my soul. Vomiting myself into non-existence is preferable to hearing Shape Of You live,” said Stefan Sultana, 30, from Zabbar.
“You know why I hate that ginger cunt so much, aside from his cameo in Game Of Thrones being a harbinger of the show’s downfall? Because even though I despise him and his twee music, I still sometimes find myself humming the chorus of Castle On The Hill. Fuck you, Ed Sheeran. Fuck you,” said Alex Mallia, 29, from Sliema.
