Karl Stennienibarra
Melita’s internet service does not obey any known laws of physics, scientists have discovered.
The company’s customers have long suspected that their internet connection exists in its own unique plane of existence, while only visiting our own from time to time.
Now researchers from the American University of Malta, in collaboration with a team of physicists from CERN, have confirmed these suspicions.
“Normally, when you pay for an internet package, you expect the same speed that was advertised, with a stable wi-fi connection throughout your home.
“But after conducting several experiments, we can say with absolute certainty that Melita’s internet is the most unpredictable, chaotic entity in the known Universe,” said Professor Imona Jetski, who led the study.
In one such experiment, two researchers were each given a laptop of the same make and model, which were bought from the same shop at exactly the same time.
One researcher was suspended with his laptop from the ceiling a few millimetres above his colleague. When they simultaneously attempted to connect to the wi-fi, one got a full signal, while the other took 42 seconds to load a three-second reaction gif.
At one point, the researcher with a full signal sneezed, and the other’s signal shot up at exactly the same time.
“We suspected the fluctuation in air pressure caused by the sneeze may have affected the signal, so we tried repeating the experiment with an induced sneeze. Only this time, the sneeze caused both laptops to disconnect.”
Prof. Jetski added that, after further rigorous testing, they found the best way to guarantee a prolonged stable connection, with a 0.5 percent success rate, was to hop around on one leg in an anti-clockwise direction while flawlessly reciting the lyrics to Eminem’s 2009 hit ‘Lose Yourself’ in Lithuanian.
The researchers also found this unpredictability was not limited to Melita’s internet connection itself, but to every single aspect of the company.
“When we tried to call their customer care department, we were on hold for half an hour. When we finally got through, the representative didn’t apologise for the wait and acted like we’d got through immediately.
“When we told him Speedtest.net had repeatedly clocked a speed of 0.2 kbps, he nonchalantly replied that it wasn’t reliable and that everything looked fine on his end, his end presumably being in an alternate dimension. It was as if he couldn’t comprehend our own objective reality at all.”
Prof Jetski added that when the company finally agreed to send someone to have a look, the technician turned up three hours after the allotted time and fiddled with the router for a few minutes before confidently declaring that everything was fixed.
“But before he’d even closed the door behind him, it disconnected again. When we ran to the balcony to tell him to come back, he’d already disappeared. To be honest, we aren’t entirely sure he was ever there.”
In conclusion, Prof Jetski said, Melita’s concept of time and space wasn’t so much flexible as it was severely dislocated.
