Last week, several women’s rights NGOs expressed their disappointment that the technical committee set up to look at reforming laws related to prostitution did not include any experts in the field.
I couldn’t agree more. To the best of my knowledge, not one of the committee members is an expert in paying for sex, like I am.
Just to be clear, I’m not one of these men who use prostitutes because I’m too ugly or socially awkward to get some. I’m a good-looking investment banker who can booty-call any local Instagram influencer at any time. No, I sleep with prostitutes because it makes me feel powerful. I get a kick out of it.
Despite my initial disappointment, I was glad to learn that the committee is leaning towards the decriminalisation of prostitution, and more importantly, not criminalising those who pay for sex. I’m all for Nordic models – I’ve bedded a few in my time. But the Nordic model these NGOs talk about would mean I could go to jail simply for using my money how I damn well please.
If I can go on holiday to Cambodia and pay the equivalent of €25 to shoot a cow with a rocket launcher, then I should be allowed to pay €10 to have my dick sucked in the back of my Audi.
Not only do I think loitering and soliciting should be decriminalised, but I also think pimping should be legalised too. Many pimps fulfilll a vital role in society. For example, the pimp of my favourite whore is also my coke dealer, and hers too.
One of the arguments against normalising prostitution is that it is intrinsically tied to human trafficking. As everyone knows, getting stuck in traffic is annoying. So just like Ian Borg, we should be widening roads to create sex highways, so women can more easily become prostitutes.
It’s also worth pointing out that the women who are against the legalisation of prostitution are ugly. They’re just jealous that no one would pay to have sex with them.
Instead of worrying about the welfare of prostitutes – who are, frankly, worthless – we should be focusing on ways to make it easier for me to get laid. Measures like ensuring all prostitutes have change for a 50, cracking down on price-fixing, and the development of an app that allows me to have the hooker of my choice delivered right to my front door, like Time To Eat.
In fact, they could call it ‘Time To Fuck’. I’m going to get in touch with a developer right now.
