An employee from the Office of the Prime Minister is currently traversing a booby-trapped passage beneath the Auberge de Castille, as he searches for the elusive memorandum of understanding between the government and Vitals Global Healthcare.
The OPM official, 30-year-old John Dimech, was sent into the secret passageway by Prime Minister Robert Abela, who demanded that the document – said to contain evidence of collusion between VGH and the previous administration led by Joseph Muscat – be found by the end of the day.
Konrad Mizzi, the disgraced former Labour minister who brokered the hospital privatisation agreement, is said to have reluctantly revealed the location of the memorandum after Abela threatened to subject him to one of his speeches.
“I’ve just had a near-miss with the trap door, and am now negotiating the mechanical crossbows,” Dimech said via body-cam, as he walked gingerly across the chamber holding a flaming torch, careful to avoid the pressure-activated triggers.
Grima then grabbed hold of a vine and swung across a pit filled with snakes.
“It could have been worse – it could have been filled with our trolls shouting ’40K’ and ‘Fejn hu l-laptop?'”, the civil servant nervously quipped as he regained his footing on the other side.
Dimech then put on his gas mask to row across the lake of poisonous mercury – the final obstacle before he reached his goal: a golden pedestal on which the Vitals MOU is said to stand.
At the time of writing, Dimech had just carefully replaced the document with Attorney General Peter Grech’s ‘go slow’ memo, only for a distant rumbling sound to be heard, causing him to utter the word ‘Fuck’ and sprint back the way he had come.
The chamber beneath Castille is said to have been constructed by the Knights of St John in the 16th century to house the Ark of the Covenant, before Mizzi replaced it with the VGH memo in 2015 and sold the priceless relic to the Chinese.
