The government has announced a plan to replace Malta’s tap water with J&B whisky in time for the next general election in 2027.
As part of the plan, the country’s four reverse osmosis plants will be converted to distilleries, while groundwater will be pumped out from aquifers and replaced with the popular Scotch whisky. Furthermore, the Water Services Corporation will be rebranded as the Whisky Services Corporation.
The plan was announced by environmental minister Miriam Dalli, who said that J&B, colloquially known as ‘JB’, had several advantages over tap water.
“I think we can all agree that tap water currently tastes pretty terrible. But instead of doing only the bare minimum and simply improving the taste, we thought – why not replace water entirely with another liquid that’s tastier, can kill germs on your hands without needing to add soap, and guarantees a good time,” Dalli said.
The minister added that scientific research showed people are more likely to view the country as it really is – that is, “a beautiful, bountiful, flawless utopia built by the Labour Party”, after a downing few glasses of the spirit.
“And it just so happens that we’ll be completing the project right before the next election, which means there will be an unlimited supply of JB for Labour mass meetings and yet another victory party soon after,” the minister said.
At the time of writing, former Labour MP Jose Herrera was seen dancing through Republic Street in celebration of the news.
