The political crisis currently gripping Malta will be resolved once and for all with a massive egg fight in Valletta this evening, it has been announced.
In a joint statement by the government and protesters, the two factions said they had agreed to a winner-takes-all pitched battle in the capital at 8pm.
“The rules will be similar to those of paintball. Anyone who gets hit will be out. These hits will be confirmed by independent EU arbiters. Head shots are prohibited, as is the use of drones or helicopters. The last faction standing wins. Owen Bonnici is already out.”
Should the protesters win, Joseph Muscat must step down immediately. However, should the government emerge victorious, all protests must cease and Occupy Justice disband.
To avoid giving one side the advantage of high ground, the factions’ starting positions will be the shorelines on either side of Valletta. The protesters will start on the Marsamxett side, while the government will start on the Grand Harbour side. It will then be up to each faction to decide which strategic positions to capture.
Police have also cordoned off the capital for now to prevent anyone getting a head start.
“Once everyone wipes away the eggy goo, we can once again return to normal levels of national insanity,” the spokespeople for the factions said.
While supermarkets in Sliema have reportedly already sold out of organic free range eggs, some Labour supporters in Cottonera have been spotted hard-boiling and sticking razor blades to theirs.
Chicken farmers are reportedly eggstatic about the news.
