Pope Francis plans to invade Malta in the coming months, Bis-Serjetà can exclusively reveal.
The Pontiff’s belligerent plans were discovered by Maltese spies in Vatican City. While the exact date of the invasion is unknown, troops have already begun massing in secret behind the walls of the city state.
It is believed the Pope wishes to restore the Papal States – a series of territories won by conquest and placed under the direct sovereign rule of the Pope between the 8th and 19th centuries.
While Malta was not historically part of these territories, the Pope views the country as an easy target for his expansionism due to the small size and inexperience of its army, which he believes will be no match for his Swiss Guards and Italian mercenaries.
Another factor in his thinking is the presence of Turkish troops in nearby war-torn Libya. Francis is concerned the Turks are looking to become the dominant force in the Mediterranean once more, and wishes to claim Malta before they can do so.
While it was announced yesterday that the Pope intends to visit Malta, this is intended merely as a distraction while his troops mount a surprise attack on Mdina, which will serve as a staging post for the rest of the invasion.
“The Pope is confident he will then be able to take the rest of the island in a short time, due to all the roads being resurfaced in his honour,” our source said.
Once the entire country has been captured, Archbishop Charles Scicluna will be made duke of Malta and Gozo.
People who spoke to Bis-Serjetà were generally positive about the prospect of becoming a papal colony.
“This liberalism has gone too far, so I’m hoping the Pope will make persecuting infidels and deviants legal again. I’d like to start by burning pro-choice women at the stake,” said one man.
“Mhux xorta? I don’t mind either way. As a Maltese person, I just do as I’m told,” said another.
