President George Vella has admitted to personally killing and eating the swan that has been reported missing from the gardens of his San Anton Palace residence.
This week, animal rights activists expressed concern for the well-being of the animals who live in the gardens, after two swans had reportedly been found dead, while another is missing.
“When I visited the Queen in March, she told me about how she owns all the swans in the UK, and that the royals are the only people who are allowed to hunt and eat them,” Vella told Bis-Serjetà.
“Ever since then, I haven’t stopped wondering what swan tastes like. Better than pheasant? As good as goose? I’d walk through the gardens and picture them roasted, like Wile E. Coyote used to do with the Road Runner.”
After what he described as two torturous months, the President said he finally gave in to temptation over the weekend.
“I waited till night time so I could sneak up on one of them with a baseball bat while it was sleeping. Unfortunately, it heard me coming and started hissing, which alerted the others. I never realised swans were such mean motherfuckers. They surrounded me and slapped the shit out of me with their wings, but I responded in kind with my trusty bat.”
Vella said that, after a lengthy struggle, he managed to bludgeon all the swans to death, and dragged one back to the palace.
“The next evening I got my personal chef to bake it in a red wine and Chanterelle mushroom sauce with a side of patata l-forn. It was absolutely heavenly – I don’t care what Alison Bezzina says. The neck was particularly delicious.”
Despite admitting to eating the swan, the President denied he had eaten any of the stray cats that also live in the gardens.
“Nothing to do with me. I’ve no idea what happened to them. You’d be better off asking that bar down the road.”
