Karl Stennienibarra
President George Vella has been given a raft of new powers as part of his role, including super strength and the ability to turn invisible.
The new powers were approved unanimously by parliament yesterday, following cross-party consensus that the role of President of the Republic should be more than just ceremonial and “should involve some cool and useful powers as well.”
Following his inauguration this afternoon, His Excellency Mr Vella was whisked off to a top secret government laboratory. There, he was injected with a serum that gave him several superhuman abilities.
“I’m looking forward to using my new powers for good,” the new head of state said after he emerged bare-chested from the laboratory.
“For example, super strength will come in handy if I ever have to lift a sports car off a group of people it just crashed into,” he said.
“And invisibility will be really useful if I need to quickly disappear instead of taking responsibility for said hypothetical crash.”
However, His Excellency said his favourite superpower was the fact that his eyebrows now have metal blades sticking out of them, before demonstrating their sharpness by slicing a tomato into several pieces with a single swipe of his head.
Meanwhile, the President has elaborated on his plan to heal the rift in society caused by the murders of Daphne Caruana Galizia, Raymond Caruana and Karin Grech.
He intends to commission a single three-headed statue featuring the faces of all three victims.
“That way everyone’s happy and no one feels left out,” he said.
