Robert Abela has announced a €3 billion package that will go towards building a time machine so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit.
The Prime Minister announced the latest financial measures to soften the impact of the Covid-19 pandemic during a press conference this morning.
“I am hereby allocating the sum of €3 billion to Malta’s top physicists, in the hope they can build me a machine in which I can go back in time and stop myself from ever becoming prime minister, because I did not sign up for this shit,” Abela said.
“To be precise, I would travel back to November 28 of last year, when we had that emergency cabinet meeting that lasted until 3am. It was then, right after I told Muscat that Keith Schembri had fucked him over, that I decided I would run for Labour leader when Muscat would inevitably step down.
Further outlining his plan, Abela said he would interrupt the meeting to tell Muscat to resist calls for him to resign.
“I’d tell him that, if he held out for a few more months, protests against him would stop and he could carry on being prime minister. Of course, I wouldn’t tell him why they stopped. I’d lie and say time travel rules forbade me from being too specific.
“Then I’d tell past-me I needed to speak with him in private, murder him, assume his identity, buy a ton of shares in toilet paper companies, and move to the Azores Islands.”
The Nationalist Party criticised Abela’s plans, saying that if PN was in power, they would be unnecessary.
“We’re already living in the past, so we don’t need a time machine,” Opposition leader Adrian Delia said.
