San Ġorġ emerged victorious in the first leg of the annual Qormi festa bouts last night, after beating his eternal rival San Bastjan in nine rounds.
Cappadocian San Ġorġ, 1716, delivered an offensive masterclass to defeat his 1731-year-old Gaulish rival.
The first leg, which is held in Heaven every year to coincide with the feast of San Ġorġ in Qormi, attracted a sell-out crowd of saints, cherubim and seraphim.
As always, the ring-side VIP seats were occupied by God and Jesus Christ, who according to Matthew 2:13 is “mad for pugilism.”
More than 16,000 Qriema were also able to watch the clash via a live stream, after the town’s local council acquired the rights to the celestial fight in a deal worth 15 million shekels.
The first round was a cagey affair, with the aggressive San Ġorġ struggling to break down San Bastjan’s staunch defence.
But as the rounds progressed, it become evident that the tiring Bastjan could not withstand Ġorg’s relentless flurry of punches indefinitely. He finally submitted after just 30 seconds had passed in the 9th round, after Ġorġ landed a particularly fierce right cross on his nose.
The Reliquary Rumble, as the yearly fight is known, lived up to the controversy of Saturday’s weigh in.
While at first it seemed the drama would be limited to an intense stare-down the two fighters, San Bastjan then accused San Ġorġ of being over the regulation 21-gram weight limit.
During the ensuing brawl between the pair and their respective entourages, San Bastjan’s coach, Saint Ambrose, could be heard mockingly questioning the existence of dragons. Ġorġ responded with a series of homophobic slurs directed at Bastjan, who is known for being a gay icon.
Speaking after the fight, a bloodied San Bastjan blamed his defeat on a recurring shoulder injury caused by arrows fired at him during his martyrdom in 303 AD.
San Ġorġ fired back: “I was decapitated but you don’t hear me whining like a little bitch.”
The result means Bastjan will have to win the return leg on July 21 by eight rounds or fewer if he is wants to close the gap on Ġorg, who currently leads the all-time scoreboard 44-39.
The origins of the fight date back to 1936, when San Bastjan moved into Qormi and challenged the monopoly San Gorg had enjoyed in the town since 1684.
“Nothing symbolises the Christian values of peace and brotherly love more than two heavenly beings beating the shit out of each other,” said Qormi parish priest Father Michael Tyson.
