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St Joseph’s Day replaced with St Keith The Martyr’s Day

Karl Stennienibarra

The 19th of March is no longer the feast day of St Joseph, after the Catholic Church replaced it with the feast day of St Keith Schembri The Martyr.

The change to Malta’s liturgical calendar comes a day after Schembri, the chief of staff of disgraced former Prime Minister Joseph Muscat, wrote a 1,400-word treatise on Facebook, in which he described his torture at the hands of the Nationalist establishment. He also highlighted the persecution suffered by his wife, children, parents, employees, and pet hamster.

After reading Schembri’s post, Archbishop Charles Scicluna was so moved that he immediately forwarded it to Pope Francis, who agreed to fast-track Schembri’s path to sainthood.

“The story of St Keith the Martyr of Bormla is the story of a virtuous man who was brutally victimised simply because he would not recognise Satan Busuttil as the rightful ruler of the universe. Never in the history of Christianity has one man or woman suffered as many tribulations as he. St Bartholomew have been flayed alive, St Lawrence burned alive, and St Agatha relieved of her breasts. But no saint has ever had their assets frozen or been forced to visit a police station multiple times. Indeed, only Jesus Christ himself can claim to have been treated worse,” a spokesman for the Vatican said.

As part of the change, the traditional zeppoli sweets that are typically eaten on St Joseph’s day will now be replaced by new lemon-flavoured confectionaries called Kasco cakes.

In a statement, St Keith said he hoped to be an inspiration not just to Christians but to people of all faiths, and offered to build a printing press in Heaven free of charge.

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