As Malta is hit by entirely typical weather for this time of year, here are seven top tips guaranteed to keep you cool:
1. Tell everyone how hot it is
Despite the blinding sunshine, sweltering temperatures and woodland fires, some people might not be as good as you are at noticing the signs of a heatwave, because you’re just special that way. So make sure you exclaim “Madonna xi sħana” at every opportunity.
This works especially well when you’re waiting in a long queue where literally no one else can understand how you feel.
2. Pretend that it isn’t actually hot
Notice how nowhere in this guide do we mention global warming? That’s entirely intentional. As politicians know full well, objective reality backed by scientific consensus is no match for your own subjective beliefs. So take off your sunglasses, look directly at the sun and say, “Fake news.”
Once the sun has blinded you, you can more easily imagine that it’s the middle of January and you’re indoors, freezing your ass off.
You can also use this powerful mind hack when you find out your partner is cheating on you, when you’re facing a looming deadline at work, or when you’re caught opening an offshore account to accept bribes from an Azeri state energy company.
3. Don’t be selfish – share your sweat
The elderly are especially vulnerable during a heatwave. This is because, as people get older, their bodies spend less energy on temperature regulation, and more energy on things like racism.
If you’re young and have perspiration to spare, do your bit for the community by collecting your excess bodily fluid. Simply position your armpits over two bowls and let your sweat drip into them. To speed things up, why not run a 5K at noon?
Once you’ve accumulated a good amount of sweat, walk up to the nearest pensioner and flick it over them. They’re sure to thank you for saving their lives.
4. Pretend to be dead
Playing dead is a great way to get out of many of life’s uncomfortable situations, and a heatwave is no exception. So instead of getting up early to go to work, stay in bed and pretend to be unresponsive.
If your workplace calls you at home to find out where you are, it’s probably best to get a relative to answer.
Tip: To increase authenticity, crank the AC all the way up to make your skin as cold as a corpse’s. Since you’re deceased, you won’t have to pay the electricity bill.
5. Transform into an aquatic animal
A recent study showed that a staggering 72 per cent of the Maltese population don’t know they possess shape-shifting abilities. This ignorance can be blamed on the Catholic Church, which for centuries has sought to suppress people’s shamanic tendencies.
But this is the 21st century, and transforming into a sea creature to keep cool shouldn’t be taboo anymore.
Just don’t become a bluefin tuna, or you could end up at the centre of a corruption scandal.
6. Release your road rage
It’s a well-known fact that as temperatures soar, tempers fray. This is especially true on Maltese roads, where all motorists are constantly on the verge of eruption.
While conventional wisdom states that you should control your anger, we think it’s healther to get it all out. So the next time the driver behind you is honking their horn because you’re taking too long to get onto the roundabout, get out of your car, get the crowbar out of the boot and go to town on them.
7. Blame the government
If all else fails, reassure yourself with the fact it’s probably the government’s fault.
