If you’re an immigrant, particularly one from Africa, you’ve probably been told you’re incapable of integrating into Maltese culture because your values are just too different, if not inferior, to ours.
But what exactly is Maltese culture? And how do you go about integrating into it?
Below you’ll find the main pillars of Maltese culture and how to get over the hurdles of integration.
Food
If you want Maltese people to accept you, you’re going to have to ditch your home country’s food, no matter how delicious and healthy it is, and start eating typical Maltese dishes like pizza, kebabs, and Sunday roasts.
Sure, travel blogs will tell you meals like rabbit, lampuki and bragioli are the real traditional foods, but very few people eat these regularly, so it must be fake news.
Having said that, the trick to integrating isn’t what you eat, but how much. Eating a small amount of food, such as a single solitary pastizz, will immediately mark you out as a foreigner, so make sure you pile your plate as high as you can.
And don’t forget second helpings and dessert.
Religion
You may have heard that Malta is 98 percent Catholic. But a more important statistic is that we’re 100 percent hypocrite. So while we really don’t mind if you’re Muslim or Jewish or any other weird faith, you need to start acting like a dick as soon as you set foot out of your place of worship. Otherwise, you’ll never really be Maltese.
On a related note, you also need to constantly call yourself and your fellow countrymen a generous people, despite only being charitable one day a year in December when Peppi Azzopardi tells you to.
Language
Maltese is a truly unique language – a fascinating mishmash of semitic and romance that can’t be found anywhere else in the world.
As an immigrant, you may think you need to learn Maltese to fit in. And while speaking Maltese will come in handy, a true local can’t spell in their own language to save their lives. This means you can skip orthography lessons and head straight to Facebook to proclaim your patriotism in the most butchered Maltese imaginable.
One element of the Maltese language you will need to master is swearing. Maltese people are the world’s foremost experts in cursing, and the best swearing can be achieved by chaining together slang terms for genitalia and body fluids, religious figures, and your target’s (preferably dead) relatives.
Finally, don’t forget to denigrate Maltese people who speak choose to speak English as a first language.
Social behaviour
We Maltese place a lot of emphasis on obeying the rules. Or rather, expecting foreigners to obey the rules while we break them at every turn.
This presents immigrants with a Catch 22 – how can you become a Maltese lawbreaker if you get in trouble whenever you break the law?
The solution is to start with traditional instances of lawbreaking that won’t raise too much of a local’s eyebrow. Avoid rioting and stick to crimes like breaking the speed limit, drink-driving, smoking indoors and evading tax. You may get in trouble at first, but eventually you’ll be one of us and the police won’t bat an eyelid anymore.
Entertainment
Malta is brimming with artistic talent, whether it’s in the fields of music, theatre or literature. For such a small island, we sure do punch above our weight.
If you want to pass for a Maltese person, you need to ignore all that talent and stick to soap operas, Eurovision and books by Gerard James Borg. The most high-brow thing you’re allowed to go to is Bla Kondixin. Trust us, it’s very clever.
We hope this guide has shown that, while Maltese society is morally, ethically, culturally and aesthetically superior to any other society on the planet, it is possible to integrate into it if you try hard enough. Saħħa!
