Over the past few days, various members of the Labour Party have been asked whether they’re prepared to apologise for the corruption that happened during Joseph Muscat’s tenure. Their replies are useful to anyone who has recently pissed off their significant other, whose organisation is in big trouble, or just anyone who needs to say sorry.
Keep it vague
When apologising, don’t specify what exactly you’re meant to be apologising for. Like Lynn Faure Chircop, who recently withdrew her nomination to be a Labour candidate, leave people wondering what the hell you’re on about. This is especially handy when the full extent of your shitbaggery has yet to emerge.
And even if the things you did were earth-shatteringly bad, refer to them as ‘mistakes’.
Keep it hypothetical
Instead of saying sorry outright, follow Labour deputy leader Daniel Micallef’s example by saying you’ll apologise to anyone who feels hurt by your actions. This shifts the onus onto them. For bonus points, say you’ll only accept hand-written requests for apologies delivered by hand to a girna in Bidnija on the stroke of midnight.
Deflect, deflect, deflect
Even if someone in your organisation broke the law, that shouldn’t reflect badly on the whole organisation, even if the people who broke the law were at the very top of the organisation, and the rest of you defended them resolutely for years while also attacking those who were trying to expose them. Which brings us neatly to…
Leave it till the last minute
Don’t apologise until it’s clear that all your attempts to cover up your wrongdoing haven’t worked and shit is going to really hit the fan. Only then should you jump ship. And if you occupy a senior position, like president of the republic, it’s a lot easier to apologise if you do so after you’re no longer in the role.
Don’t mention Joseph Muscat
For the love of God, never mention Joseph Muscat. You’ve never heard of Joseph Muscat. But if such a person as Joseph Muscat ever existed, you’re sure he would’ve brought nothing but prosperity to Malta. 40K lemon emojis.
But seriously who is Joseph Muscat?
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