Never before have Maltese politicians had so many tools at their disposal to get their message across. From Facebook ads to Instagram stories, to good old fashioned TV and radio, it’s easier than ever to convince people you’re God’s gift to the country.
The down side of this media glut is that it can be difficult to stand out from the crowd. Luckily, there’s a great PR tactic that not many politicians are using at the moment: children. Specifically, your own children.
When used as propaganda tools, your kids act like human shields. “How could he be corrupt/malicious/incompetent?” people will ask. “He’s a parent!” Any criticism just pings right off them.
Another advantage of treating your young children like cute little mascots is that you probably have a few of them lying around already, eating your food, living in your house rent-free and generally not doing anything useful at all. So why not get them to work for you? Here’s how.
Step One: Showcase your children
You should never miss an opportunity to put your kids in the limelight. Drag them along to events they don’t belong at. Share photos of them on your public Facebook page even though they’re too young to speak, let alone consent. If they’re a bit older, allow them to create Instagram accounts. Or why not get them to appear on a cute Xarabank feature about your aquatic spouse?
It doesn’t matter if you’re all at each other’s throats behind closed doors. What’s important is that you appear to be the world’s happiest family on social media. Bonus points if you add a dog or two.
Your supporters will flood your Facebook page with fawning comments like ‘Prosit ministru’, ‘Kemm hi gustuża’ and ‘Xi ġmiel ta’ familja’. But that’s not the best part…
Step Two: Wait for your enemies to mention your kids
There are some vile people out there who won’t hesitate to mention your children or use photos of them that you posted in their attempts to bring you down. You might be thinking, “How dare they? Only I can use my kids for promotional purposes!” But that’s exactly what you want them to do…
Step Three: Attack your critics
Once your critics have taken the bait like the big stupid fish they are, you can then go on the counter-offensive.
The trick here is to go for maximum outrage, with the aim of taking advantage of Malta’s culture of over-sensitivity and over-protectiveness. Even if your opponents never actually said anything bad about your children, or even mentioned them at all, you should act like they took a dump on your baby’s head during its baptism.
And if you really want to go all out, mobilise your party’s media machine. They’ll constantly repeat great phrases like ‘attakk viljakk’, which make it sound like your coach was waylaid by bandits while you were on your way back to the palace (swimming pool addition pending).
Step Four: “Aħna warajk ministru!”
Remember those sycophantic Facebook followers from Step 1? Once you’ve basically accused your detractors of child murder, they’ll all be riled up and ready to do anything you want them to. They almost certainly won’t check that what you wrote is actually true. That’s the beauty of partisan politics.
So there you have it – the surefire method to score political points with your offspring in four easy steps. Now go take some photos.
