There was a time when owning a drone was cool. That time was 5:42pm on Thursday, June 23, 2015. Since then, the sight of a camera rising off the ground into the sky has become more and more lame.
Regardless, an increasing number of Maltese wankers are buying drones for both commercial and personal use. If you own a drone and are unsure about what sort of wanker you are (and make no mistake, you are a wanker), this list will help clear things up…
Wedding Wanker
You’re a wedding videographer who wants to stand out from the crowd of roughly 4,000 other wedding videographers in Malta. Thanks to your trusty drone, you can give newlyweds a unique bird’s eye view of their boring outdoor reception attended by miserable bastards who aren’t dancing. Don’t forget to put the wedding video on Youtube, where it will be watched by weirdos compiling listicles.
Beach Wanker
You can’t bear to see people sunbathing or enjoying a barbecue in peace, and insist on launching your annoying plastic mosquito into the air every time you go to the beach. You aren’t even filming anything, just flying it up and down like a simpleton who’s never seen a plane before. You’re probably playing shit loud music on crappy speakers too. You are literally the worst human in existence.
If you want to be an Advanced Beach Wanker, take your drone to a stretch of picturesque coastline during a sunset and film the exact same scenery that thousands of other drone-owning wankers have already filmed.
Snooping Wanker
You watched V For Vendetta with your friends as a teenager, and while they bought Guy Fawkes masks and vowed to bring down the system, you dreamed of the day that you too could spy on people with advanced technology. And now here you are, swooping down from the sky to invading everyone’s privacy and cause uproar in The Salott. Luckily for you, the Maltese police can’t be bothered enforcing laws related to drones, so you’re free to carry on perving on your neighbour swim topless in her pool.
Dad Wanker
You’re a 40-something who was given a cheap drone as a Christmas present. After leaving it to gather dust for eight months, you finally take the drone for a whirl and promptly crash it into the side of a church. Congratulations, you’re no longer a drone-owning wanker.
US Airforce Wanker
You have a really big, weaponised drone with a badass name like ‘Reaper’ that you use to bomb Afghan weddings in the name of Freedom. You’re technically committing war crimes, but somehow you’re still not as bad as the Beach Wanker.
Have we left any categories out? Let us know in the Facebook comments, you pedantic fuck.
