Popular discussion show Xarabank returns to TV screens tonight, aiming to finally destroy the nation’s last remaining brain cells once and for all.
Peppi Azzopardi’s talk show has been a mainstay of Maltese television since 1997, slowly lobotomising viewers with a steady diet of facile debate.
“This year I’m aiming to deliver a killing blow to the country’s collective intelligence,” Azzopardi told Bis-Serjetà.
“We’re going to combine every dumb thing we’ve ever done over the past 22 years. So in the first episode tomorrow, we’re going to bring back Alan Bates to hypnotise Ian Borg into thinking he’s Sherlock Holmes and get him to find out who really murdererd little Twannie Aquilina. The catch is that he can only use public transport!
“While Ian is out looking for clues, back in the studio we’ll be doing a live exorcism of Konrad Mizzi. At the same time, Mark [Laurence Zammit] will be moderating a panel discussion about whether tower cranes should be recognised as Maltese citizens.
“Well, I say ‘moderating’ and ‘discussion’. To stop people from interrupting each other, he’s going to let them all talk at the same time, while the audience cheers and jeers like a medieval mob.”
He added that over the summer, the studio had been expanded so it could fit double the amount of braying idiots that make up the live audience.
Azzopardi also spoke about the challenges of remaining stupid in an age rife with stupidity.
“To keep up with the times, we’ll be inviting local Instagram influencers to discuss a range of complex topics while riding e-scooters. That should really turn viewers into dribbling cabbages.”
Critics of the show argue that its commitment to destroying brain cells is harmful to the wellbeing of the country, but Azzopardi is unrepentant.
“I’m proud to produce a show that facilitates debate and allows guests to express themselves in so many different ways: shouting, yelling, ranting, haranguing…”
