By Clickbait Algorithm
In recent days, the YMCA and other homeless shelters across Malta have been telling the media that the number of people needing their help is on the rise.
After we had recovered from our initial surprise that there’s a homeless shelter named after a cheesy pop song from the 70s, we were surprised again.
Homeless people? In Malta? I mean, we’re pretty sure half the population of Baħrija has been a vagabond at some point in their lives. But actually proper homeless like abroad?
We were delighted to hear it.
A lot of people seem to think having more homeless people in Malta is a bad thing, but that’s only because they haven’t considered the amazing benefits…
1. You can sleep wherever
Let’s be honest – houses are overrated AF. You have to buy them and clean them and make sure they don’t fall down. Urgh, such a hassle.
But if you don’t have a fixed address, you’re free to rest your weary head wherever you please. Feel like sleeping on a beach? Sleep on a beach. Is that bus stop looking comfortable? Knock yourself out. Or maybe you fancy something more urban, like underneath the Kappara junction. The world is your bed now.
2. You feel dehumanised
Bear with us here. Being made to feel like a stray animal because you’re homeless may sound like a bummer, but it doesn’t have to be.
If you’re stripped of your human dignity, just be something non-human instead. Be a pigeon. Be a toaster. Be Mark Zuckerberg.
Come to think of it, you could be all three – the Delonghi Two-Slice Zuckerpigeon, available now on a pavement outside Crosscraft.
Never mind meditation. Homelessness really is true freedom for both mind and body.
3. It makes Malta more fashionable
What is it that makes European capitals like London and Paris so great? Surely it’s the museums, the culture, or maybe the nightlife?
Nope – its people rummaging through bins for food. It’s people asking you for spare change over and over until they become one foul-smelling blur of bad teeth and sleeping bags.
More of this for Malta please. We’ve had sushi and gourmet burgers. Now let’s have some vagrants. Not to eat though obviously!
Well, not unless there’s a war or natural disaster and all the food runs out anyway…
4. You can work on your tan
While the rest of us have to lounge about at Café del Mar in summer if we want bronzed skin, you can work on your tan all day long, all year round.
“Won’t I get a farmer’s tan?” we hear you ask. Only if you keep your clothes on. You see, when you’re homeless, none of society’s rules apply to you. So you can walk around butt-naked, waving your private parts about without having to worry about getting arrested. #loophole
Just make sure to wear sunscreen. Oh wait, you probably can’t afford any. Maybe just step into the shade every now and then.
5. It gives your nanna something to moan about
Your nanna. What a woman. If I weren’t an algorithm I’d…
Like all nannas, your nanna needs to be constantly complaining about something or other in order to stay alive. Bitching is like old people’s oxygen, amirite?!
Now picture this scenario. It’s Sunday morning and your nanna is stepping out of Sliema parish church, feeling invigorated after praising the Lord (in English, of course). But she’s too busy nattering with her friend Margaret to notice the Romanian beggar sprawled out on the steps in front of her, and trips head-first over his filthy unconscious body. Marelli!
Sure, she’ll have fractured her hip, but the resulting moaning about homeless immigrants lying in the streets will give her at least another 10 years of life. And that’s the least your nanna deserves.
Editor’s note: Despite its constant use of the pronoun ‘we’, the opinions expressed by our Clickbait Algorithm are its own, and do not reflect the beliefs of Bis-Serjetà as an organisation. They are entirely computer-generated and beyond our control.
