The mistresses of Malta’s cabinet members have announced a reshuffle to reassign who they are having sex with.
The highly secretive process was carried out by the Chief Other Woman (COW), who is in charge of coordinating the extra-marital affairs of ministers and parliamentary secretaries.
The COW, whose identity together with that of the mistresses must remain hidden according to the Constitution, told Bis-Serjetà that the reshuffle was mostly unconnected with the cabinet reshuffle carried out by Prime Minister Robert Abela last week.
“Some new cabinet members needed to be assigned mistresses, but mainly I just felt like it was time for a change. Many of us had been with our ministers for a long time, and while most of them have the personality of an old sock, not to mention more serious personality flaws, it’s still only fair that one mistress isn’t screwing the same excruciatingly boring minister indefinitely.”
While the process must largely be kept under wraps, the COW sought to dispel the idea that relationships between ministers and mistresses were random and chaotic.
“There’s a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes. Of course, you need to make sure that the minister’s wife doesn’t discover the identity of the mistress. But you also have to make sure that one mistress isn’t seeing more than one minister, or they get very jealous. And you can’t have one minister’s wife being another’s mistress. That actually happened last year and the two ministers in question ended up fighting each other at one of their kids’ birthday parties. I had to call in a lot of favours to keep that one out of the news,” she said.
“To be honest I don’t know why we have to maintain this code of silence, given how some ministers aren’t exactly careful about it. Just last week there was a minister who posted a photo on Facebook celebrating his 10th wedding anniversary, and it was of him with his mistress during a trip to Sorrento. It’s a good thing one of my tasks is monitoring all their social media.”
The COW also admitted that the laws surrounding mistresses, which have remained unchanged since 1964, needed to be updated to reflect the fact that there were now female MPs, as well as male MPs who would prefer to have an affair with another man.
“It feels unfair that people like Miriam Dalli and Julia Farrugia Portelli don’t get a bit on the side assigned to them and have to seek out illicit liaisons by themselves, should they want to. But then again it’s not like Farrugia Portelli has anything better to do with her time.
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