Should I be panicking about the Wuhan Coronavirus?
No. But also yes. Not sure. Maybe.
What should I do if the virus is found in my country?
Stay indoors and avoid all human contact. So basically like you’re doing now, you loser.
Can the Coronavirus be spread through email?
Yes. The Wuhan Coronavirus is the first ever virus that can be transmitted electronically. It can also spread through Facebook Messenger, Whatsapp, and – like syphilis – through Tinder.
If your antivirus software is up to date, you should be fine.
Is it still safe to order from Chinese websites like Ali Express?
Yes. If the virus is present on something you ordered from China, it would die before the package reached you.
But even if there was a risk, would that really be enough to stop your insatiable hunger for cheap products, you pathetic consumerist slave?
Is it still safe to eat Chinese takeaway food?
It was never safe to eat Chinese takeaway food.
Is the Coronavirus related in any way to Corona, the Mexican beer?
Yes. The Wuhan Coronavirus is responsible for causing several people on social media to believe they’re the first to make a painfully obvious pun.
And don’t try Wu-han Clan, either.
Does the virus justify my racism towards Chinese people?
No. Stretching your eye lids and saying things like ‘oh harro’, ‘ching chong’ and ‘flied lice’ is still reprehensible. If you’re the kind of person who says these things, you deserve to have an infected person sneeze right into your mouth.
Am I wrong for secretly wanting the virus to wipe out the human race?
No. The human race is itself a disease that has plagued the planet for too long. The author of this piece himself wishes for a global pandemic to kill off a large percentage of the world’s population, so long as it excludes himself, his family and his friends.
