Karl Stennienibarra
English expats wishing to stay in Malta after Brexit must renounce Elizabeth II as their queen, the Government announced today.
Last week, Prime Minister Joseph Muscat assured the roughly 13,000 British expats in Malta that they would not be affected by Brexit.
But in a surprise U-turn, a spokesperson for the Office of the Prime Minister announced Muscat had changed his mind “for the lolz.”
The spokesperson said that on or before March 29, all English people living in Malta must go to the Passport Office in Valletta and sign the following affidavit:
“I hereby declare that Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is no longer my queen.
Henceforth, I swear fealty only to Joseph Fireborn of House Muscat, King of the Maltese and Gozitans, First of his Name, Second Saviour of Malta, The Definitely-Not-Owner-of-Egrant, Bringer of Progress, Tagħna Lkoll.
Also the Queen is a sour-faced lizard who eats children and had Princess Diana killed. Down with the Annunaki!”
They must then throw their passport into a pyre to symbolise their death and rebirth as a subject of King Joseph.
The spokesperson also said that any Brits who refused to sign would suffer the worst punishment of all: being sent back to the UK.
“Specifically to Stoke-on-Trent,” she warned.
The order does not apply to Scottish people, who “dinnae give a flyin’ fuck about the fuckin’ Queen ya cheeky wee shite.”
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