God has expressed uncertainty over how He will deal with the backlog in First Holy Communions, after the Church suspended the rite due to the Covid-19 pandemic.
First Holy Communion ceremonies are usually held in June in Malta, with hundreds of children receiving their first Holy Eucharist. But as with village feasts and Confirmation rites, it is now unclear when they will be held.
“This is an absolute nightmare. Everything’s screwed up. What the hell am I going to do?” an irate God told Bis-Serjetà, adding that neither Malta’s Archbishop, Mgr Charles Scicluna, nor any of the Church’s other leaders, had consulted Him before making the decision.
“Firstly, I now have a ton of body and blood of Christ that’s going to go off by July. Have you ever smelled expired body and blood of Christ? It isn’t pretty, I can tell you.
“And don’t get me started on the logistical chaos. I’m now going to have to process two lots of children next year. I might have to hire more angels to deal with the extra admin, which is not an expense I’m relishing. It’s not simply a case of moving the ceremonies to a different time of year, either. It has to be in June, for…reasons, alright? My will is ineffable, so don’t question me or I’ll send you down to Hell with all the other journalists.”
God also observed that, due to the postponement, this year’s batch of children would not be confessing their sins for the first time – a vital part of the Communion ritual – until next year.
“It makes a huge difference. You’d be surprised how many sins a seven-year-old can accumulate in a year, like not tidying their room.”
The Almighty did admit that sending a plague to wipe out the world’s elderly was not the best idea.
“I will concede that I should have thought this whole Covid-19 thing through a bit more. I didn’t anticipate you’d all give a crap about boomers. I assumed you’d be like, “Screw these bigoted old farts. Let them die.” Mind you, the UK was very close to doing that, to be fair.”
God added that he was considering applying for state funding to help him get through the crisis.
“Wait, I am the highest power there is. Damn it, never mind. Hang on, who made me? One to think about later, I guess.”
Looking on the bright side, God noted that the postponement of baptism ceremonies would not affect Him.
“Baptism? That’s just a prank I play on people. Why would splashing a baby’s head with water purify its soul? That would be silly,” He said.
