Karl Stennienibarra
The Maltese government will begin selling its citizens as of next month, Prime Minister Joseph Muscat announced today.
Muscat unveiled the Malta Citizens By Investment Programme, the first of its kind in the EU, at a conference in Saudi Arabia organised by Henley & Partners.
“Why settle for Maltese citizenship when you could have your very own Maltese person?” Muscat told the gathered audience of mostly Chinese, Russian and Middle Eastern investors.
The Prime Minister then went on to list the benefits of owning a Maltese.
“Maltese people are incredibly hard working, they never complain about anything, and adapt effortlessly to any changes,” Muscat said while appearing to suppress laughter.
“What’s more, most of us are under 170 cm tall so can be stored easily in small crates when not needed,” Muscat added.
“Oh and if you buy in bulk we’ll thrown in some boxes of Twistees so you have something to feed your new little helpers.”
To be eligible to purchase one or more Maltese citizens, prospective buyers must invest €650,000 into a specially set up trust, which Muscat insisted was “super legit and in no way connected to me or any other member of Government.”
The logistics of the scheme will be overseen by Konrad Mizzi.
“Din l-iskema will be the best thing that’s ever ġrat lil Malta,” Mizzi said.
“What’s more, it will free up ħafna spazju for żviluppaturi to build their boutique hotels mingħajr ma they inconvenience the residenti, who will now be doing manual labour in Guangzhou,” the Minister for Tourism added.
Between February 18th and 24th, all citizens earning less than €100,000 per year (net) will be allocated a date and time at which they must report to the Granaries in Floriana.
There, they will be undergo physical and mental examinations, before being given a price tag and stamped with a bar code.
They can then return to their normal lives until they are bought by the highest paying oligarch.
Critics of the scheme will be sold to Qatar to work on World Cup stadiums.
