Manchester United’s players have met each other for what they think is the first time during a training sessions this morning, after having their memories wiped clean for the 270th time last night.
Since Sir Alex Ferguson stepped down as manager in 2013, it has been the club’s policy to give all players selective amnesia after each game. As a result, they never remember having played with each other previously.
Once the players return to the dressing room (or get onto the coach, train or plane in the case of away games) team doctors erase their memories using a device similar to the Neuralyzer in the Men In Black films.
“I’m really excited to get to know my new teammates and train with them for the first time,” said Paul Pogba upon arriving at the Aon Training Complex.
“I expect we’ll struggle initially because we don’t know each other’s play styles and positioning, and because we need to learn the manager’s tactics. But I’m sure when we start to gel we’ll be unstoppable,” said Juan Mata.
“I’m Phil Jones,” said Phil Jones, the only player to have never received a memory wipe.
Meanwhile, goalkeeper David De Gea had to be sedated and re-neuralysed after suffering from flashbacks.
Asked why the club has decided to adopt this strategy, CEO Ed Woodward told Bis-Serjetà:
“Being serial winners on the pitch is very demanding from a business point of view. You’ve got to maintain the results, avoid complacency, keep searching for exciting new players and replace the ones that need moving on. It’s a lot of work. Better to just wipe everyone’s memory clean and settle for mid-table mediocrity while still raking in that sweet sponsorship money.
“The only time it’s gone horribly wrong is when we tried to erase Alexis Sanchez’s memory for the first time and we accidentally made him forget how to play football entirely.”
Woodward added that the club was also working on installing ‘Neuralyzers’ all around Old Trafford to reduce the suffering of the match-going fans.
