The upcoming revised national sexual health policy will advise people to not be attractive, in an attempt to combat soaring rates of syphilis and other diseases.
Bis-Serjetà has obtained an advance copy of the policy, which is set to replace a version written in 2021 that was based on outdated information.
Among other recommendations, the policy states that the best way to avoid contracting sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) is to “not be hot.”
“The data clearly shows that hot people have more sex than non-hot people. thus increasing the risk of STDs. Therefore, if you find yourself in the former category, you should take steps to reduce your hotness,” the policy states.
The steps mentioned include cutting your hair into an odd shape, wearing ill-fitting clothes, wearing a paper bag over your head, bathing in manure, expressing racist, sexist and homophobic views, and in cases of “extreme hotness”, permanently disfiguring your own face.
The policy goes on to state:
“On the other hand, if you’re ugly and in the unlikely event that you are about to have sex, use contraception, I guess.”
When asked for comment, Health Minister Chris Fearne said:
“As a hot older man myself, I will set an example by taking steps to reduce how much of a daddy I am. In fact, I’m off to buy a funny green wig from a costume shop, and from now on I’m going to speak in an annoying high-pitched voice. We all have to do our part, or at least us hotties do.”
