Hi everyone. PM JM here. I’m writing this opinion piece from the first class lounge of my Emirates flight to Dubai.
I’ve just slipped into my complimentary moisturised pyjamas (yes, they’re a thing – you peasants wouldn’t understand), and am currently reclining luxuriantly on my soft leather seat while a stewardess feeds me grapes.
Michelle has gone to bed after a few too many glasses of Dom Perignon (she really put the offer of ‘unlimited champagne’ to the test), and the kids are watching Frozen 2. I don’t know if it’s because I’m also a bit tipsy, but I swear that snowman looks like Joe Mizzi.
So here I am, typing on my new gold-plated €10,000 Mac Pro. Thanks Keith! My friends give me such great gifts.
Anyway, I just wanted to remind you all of that time when I took some EU leaders to Serkin for pastizzi. Wasn’t that fun? You all thought I was so common. A man of the people, my supporters called me. Down to earth. No airs and graces.
And then Ann Fenech came along and said how awfully uncouth it was. How her father, the former Speaker, would never have served pastizzi when he was entertaining the Admiral (which I still think is a euphemism for sodomy). How we laughed at this silly stuck-up Nationalist cow and her snobbish ways. Everyone thinks I’m some kind of master tactician, but PN don’t exactly make it hard for me do they?
Fun fact: I didn’t even eat any pastizzi that day. I sneakily threw them away because my live-in personal trainer/spiritual guru said they were bad for me. When the cameras weren’t looking I took a cheeky kale, kombucha and chia seed smoothie out of my Louis Vitton messenger bag.
It’s funny – in a weird way I wish all this bother about Yorgen Fenech had come out sooner. I would have saved thousands on weight loss regimes.
If any of my loyal followers are reading this, I want to assure you that, pastizzi aside, I am still salt of the earth. Don’t let the gifts of premium French wine and trips to one of the most expensive places on earth fool you. I remain the son of a humble Burmarrad fireworks factory owner, and definitely have your working class interests at heart. Free childcare, remember?
Would you look at the time? I certainly will – on my sweet Bvlgari. Not the one Yorgen gave me, no – I have about 20 of these things just lying around. Side note: did you know Emirates give you a Bvlgari goody bag with perfumes and things if you fly first class? We’ve gotten so many we’ve even given a few to Neville and his wife. They’re so grateful.
My masseuse is here, and so is Michelle’s beautician. To be honest, I haven’t really been digging her new waxwork look. It makes her fake smile look even more fake. But I guess you have to soldier on.
Hasta la vitoria siempre, comrades.
