Karl Stennienibarra
Xarabank will only feature politicians beating the living daylights out of each other from now on, host Peppi Azzopardi announced this morning.
The discussion programme’s new direction comes in the wake of last Friday’s brawl between PN and Labour audience members, which boosted the show’s flagging popularity.
“For the past few years I’ve been trying to make Xarabank relevant again. I thought the Liam Debono thing last year would do it, but weirdly people don’t want to watch an interview with a delinquent charged with running over a policeman,” Azzopardi said.
“But then, after breaking up Friday’s scuffle, it hit me. Or rather it would have if I hadn’t moved out the way.
“I realised that the Maltese public don’t want high quality journalism and intelligent debate, which is what I’ve been giving them for the past 22 years. No, they want to watch politicians beat each other to a pulp, so from now I shall pander to the masses.”
Azzopardi said he is still finalising the precise regulations of the rebranded Xarabank Fighting Championship (XFC), but envisions an MMA-style affair, except with even fewer rules.
“You can kick someone in the groin. You can gouge their eyes out. But you can’t insult their mother. That’s not nice,” the host said.
He added that while he will referee the fights himself, co-host Mark Laurence Zammit will act as a ring girl, “because he has lovely hair that smells of cardamom.”
Asked if there would still be a live studio audience, Azzopardi replied, “Of course, but while they’ve always been polite and respectful, we’re really going to need them to tear the fucking roof off the place from now on.”
Meanwhile, politicians from across the spectrum are already preparing for their bouts.
Prime Minister Joseph Muscat has flown to Azerbaijan to train with the country’s top freestyle wrestlers, who have already noted his natural ability to wriggle out of any hold.
Opposition leader Adrian Delia told BS he doesn’t need to train, since he’s been dodging knives ever since he became leader of the Nationalist Party, and in any case would probably get his bodyguard to do all the fighting.
Marlene Farrugia said she was looking forward to “punching Konrad Mizzi so hard in his stupid rubbery face.”
However, she added that husband and fellow MP Godfrey Farrugia would only be allowed to fight if he finishes his chores on time.
