By A Clickbait Algorithm
So you’ve just finished demolishing a beautiful 200-year-old townhouse to make room for a brand-spanking-new block of tiny flats that you’re going to rent out for €2,000 per month apiece. L-aqwa żmien, amirite guys?
But now you have a huge mountain of rubble on your hands and you’re wondering “what the actual F am I going to do with all of this?”
Don’t worry – we’ve all been there.
Up until recently you could just chuck your dirt and debris in a disused quarry and forget all about the fact that you and other people like you have destroyed more Maltese heritage than a Nazi air raid.
But with the Malta Developers Association now saying we’re running out of space where you can dispose of construction waste, you’re going to have to get a bit creative.
A lot of people including the MDA are suggesting we should use the waste to create new land in Xghajra or wherever.
B O R I N G. I mean seriously, we hadn’t even heard of Xghajra up until recently. Like, we were like, do they mean the place in The Lord of the Rings that looks like Mgarr, like?
So us here at Bis-Serjetà have put together five way cooler ways you can use your leftover construction waste…
1. Make a giant Jenga tower
Turn that terrapien into a terraparty.
Gather all the solid blocks you can find and use a crane to stack them on top of each other. Then rent a couple of cherry pickers, invite some friends over, xeba vodka, and take it in turns trying to remove blocks without toppling the whole thing and destroying a bunch of parked cars.
Worried it might be illegal? Take a look at the Planning Authority website. Did you find anything about giant board games? Nope – you’re good to go.
Although you probably should still watch out for people underneath. This is meant to be fun, not a horror film.
2. Turn it into a modern art piece
Psst… can we let you in on a little secret? All art is rubbish, but especially modern art. No one actually knows what modern art is. Sure, loads of people claim they understand what the artist is trying to say, but really they have no idea and just want to appear intellectual. The fools – everyone knows stupidity is where it’s at right now.
Capitalise on this by collecting all your dirt, broken tiles and twisted metal and sticking it all together. You’ll tell people you placed each piece meticulously but really you just threw it all together in half an hour. If you creation ends up looking phallic, even better. Remember, no one understands this.
Then, give your creation a provocative name like The Death of History or something.
Next, rent out an exhibition space in Valletta – the more dilapidated the better – and give people xeba free wine.
Finally, at the end of the night, auction off your Frankenstein’s Monster Cock to some credulous drunken rich twat. Don’t forget to make the starting price in the hundreds of thousands.
Now you’re making money from both poor and wealthy people #LivingYourBestLife.
3. Create your own private island
OK, we know we just said land reclamation is lame. But that’s only if it’s in the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere (seriously, where is Xghajra?!)
On the other hand, if you were to take your dad’s boat out to the middle of a nice bay like Għajn Tuffieħa, dump all your waste into the sea, that would be pretty sweet.
Then again, you won’t get very far if you only use your own rubble. Maybe space for a deckchair and umbrella but not much more.
So we recommend getting together with your other friends who demolished townhouses and pool your resources to build a nice bungalow.
Then you can kick back, relax, drink xeba cocktails and laugh at all the plebs fighting over a thin stretch of sand.
You could even take a leaf out of China’s book and militarise your new island to stop anyone from making a territorial claim on the surrounding waters.
And speaking of militarisation…
4. Stockpile ammunition for your catapult
You never know when a foreign power might decide to invade Malta, fail spectacularly and end up cowering behind the walls of Valletta. Yeah, we’re looking at you France.
And while people had nothing better to do in 1800 than starve their enemies out, ain’t nobody got time for wars of attrition in 2019.
Everyone will be wondering how to get the frog-eating bastards out this time. But you’ll be ahead of the game because you thought ahead and built a catapult out of all the nice furniture that used to adorn the townhouse.
But where are you going to get ammo from? Oh, I don’t know, maybe the tons of stonework you now having lying around? Sure, a modest lump of masonry isn’t going to put a dent in our capital’s mighty bastions. But you can still lob your stones over the ramparts and take out any cheese eaters who aren’t hiding.
When they can’t stand the ferocity of your bombardment any longer and surrender like the French scum they are, celebrate with the xeba cognac they left behind.
5. Build a tomb for your nanna
Your nanna is cool AF. We love your nanna.
But sooner or later, nanna gonna die.
And if you want to be in pole position to inherit all that silver in her salott, why not promise to build her a magnificent tomb and make sure her well-to-do bones aren’t thrown down a well with all the other dead ħamalli?
Because your materials aren’t going to be in the best condition, you probably won’t be able to go for some fancy Pierre Lachaise shit.
But you could still build her a nice big Viking-style burial mound. Nordic shit is really in right now in the UK, so it’s about time we brought it over to Malta.
Don’t forget to toast your nanna’s entry into Valhalla with xeba flagons of ale. Skål!
