Monday
Just like last week, Monday started with a positive story – this time about how a Venezuelan woman who had come to Malta as a refugee won a beauty pageant to represent the country in a bigger – Universe-wide, in fact – beauty pageant, in a result that was accepted enthusiastically by all Maltese people…
Sub-editor’s note: I apologise for the inaccuracy of the above statement. Karl is still drunk from last night’s Serious Journalism Awards, organised by himself as a protest against being snubbed by the Malta Journalism Awards. I’m sending him back to bed until he sobers up. Bet regards, Eva Green.
Jesus, that fifth shot of tequila was really excessive…
As everyone knows, some people were not happy at all that Teresa Ruglio was chosen to represent Malta in Miss Universe, while others, such as local racist Clint Zahra and his conflicted boner, had mixed feelings.
Malta’s de facto queen Michelle Muscat was also none too pleased with Ruglio’s post-victory speech…
The weather was back in the news again this week, with the Meteorological Office taking the unusual step of telling an incoming storm to go back to its country.
But by far the biggest story of the day was the Aalborg Airlft, a daring rescue mission/photo op led by Konrad Mizzi to extract a group of children (and possibly a few lawyers and VIPs) from the horrible country of Denmark.
Tuesday
It’s hard being Ian Borg. His ministry makes a confusing and dangerous cycle lane – people complain. Said cycle lane leads straight into a wall – people complain. Borg admits he personally designed the cycle lane to kill as many cyclists as possible because they’re getting on his nerves – people complain.
“At least the week can’t possibly get any worse for me,” the transport and infrastructure minister told Bis-Serjetà at the time.
Borg’s wasn’t the only confession of the week, with God Himself admitting he sent bad weather to try and disrupt the Malta Jazz Festival, because even God hates jazz.
Later that day, an idiot tourist was contemplating jumping into the rough sea.
Wednesday
As the FaceApp craze swept the nation and gathered data that will definitely not be sold to governments for facial recognition purposes, we tried putting a picture of Malta into the app to see what it would look like in 40 years…
And just as we’d almost forgotten about the Nationalist Party and its ongoing existential crisis, PN came back into the news, intimidating journalists and announcing they had put their differences aside to agree not to put their differences aside and remain a shambles forever.
Thursday
As everyone knows, in Malta you’re only allowed to move out of your parents’ house when you’re married. This typically happens when people are in their late 20s/early 30s, but one 60-year-old from Hamrun is contemplating whether he should move out despite still being single.
In sports news this week, the journalist who started the rumour that retired Brazilian footballer Ronaldinho could sign for Birkirkara admitted that he had been playing Championship Manager 2006 and thought it was real life.
It later emerged that the player would be coming to Malta, but only to promote his own-brand wine. Karl’s ensuing ‘Wine-aldinho’ pun was widely booed by the rest of the newsroom and the entire village of Għarb, sheep included.
As the sun was setting on Thursday, we also published a helpful guide on what not to do when you’re blinded by the sun while driving. This was completely unrelated to anything that happened to a Zabbar local councillor that morning.
Later that evening, Ian Borg unveiled what looked like a campaign slogan for a possible leadership bid…
Friday
Friday began with a human interest story, in which a morbidly obese man had surgery to expand his stomach to be able to fit more food in it, in news that was completely unrelated to other events.
Meanwhile, seemingly fed up with ungrateful people dying of asthma, Prime Minister Joseph Muscat said in an interview that people in Malta had to evolve to breathe dust and fumes.
All in all, it was a somewhat mixed week for Bis-Serjetà. On the one hand, our Facebook page gained hundreds of new likes, further cementing our place as Malta’s best news website. But on the other, we continued to be dogged by accusations that we’re fake news.
These false and libelous accusations are especially prevalent in the Facebook group Bongu Malta…
And of course, there was the news that Karl had been completely overlooked by the Malta Journalism Awards, which caused him to go into a fit of rage.
He is particularly annoyed at the fact that two awards ended up being won by Alan Deidun, who is not a journalist and who Bis-Serjetà is reliably informed likes to fondle jellyfish without their consent while wearing a rubber glove and nothing else.
Thanks for reading and see you tomorrow for more serious news reporting.
